mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
