I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
