Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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