i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
