she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
