I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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