Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
