how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
