what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
