a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
