When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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