Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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