I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
