i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
