one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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