Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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