I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm at about main and main street
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
