i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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