Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize