The maid of honor just puked.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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