angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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