I think I won the penis lottery.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
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