Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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