I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
