addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I checked into jail on foursquare
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
