eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
People in love make me want to vomit
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
