Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
