If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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