I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
