Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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