There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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