I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
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