Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
