I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
