well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize