im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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