Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
