So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
