those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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