Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
