I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
