you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
