I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
as a side note pls kill me
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
