I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
