I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
