Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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