I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
