a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
