i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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