You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
