he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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