It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
God I need to hump something, right now.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
