Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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