Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize