I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
