my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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