so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
