singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
