I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
