Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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