So drunk its hurt
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
