Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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