I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
