I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize