Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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