I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
